So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
