Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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