I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Found your dick twin last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
