Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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