So drunk its hurt
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
