woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
