hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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