the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
