Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
