I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
