where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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