was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
