I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
