how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
