No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
