she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
