I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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