Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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