Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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