You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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