Define "chronic" masturbator.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
