I wish I could teleport
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
