I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
