saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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