im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
