someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
