i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
