Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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