Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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