His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
