Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
