I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
