I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
