it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
