The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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