the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
