I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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