You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize