I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
