He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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