Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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