Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
