Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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