Heybabeimwearingurpanties
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
