Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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