I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
