I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
