Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
