Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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