I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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