did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
