ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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