I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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