that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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