Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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