someone get that fucking seahorse.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
