two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
