I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
